Duchovny in Rehab for Sex Addiction! Oh My!
There’s something TERRIBLY unsexy about sex addiction. Like, what the heck is it? Is it contagious? Is it like a dog that never got fixed? Does Duchovny hump people’s legs when they’re not expecting it? “David, I’ve been patient, dude. Get off my leg, man. Dude, I’m serious. Get off my leg. DAVID! OFF!”
I believe. I believe in aliens anyway. But, what, all this sex is with his wife, right? No? Prostitutes? Prostitutes wearing black strappy leather? Hmmm, I’ll have to remind my guy friends who get caught (of which I have none, but still) to remind their wives that they have a “condition” and must be dealt with gently!
You do realize aliens did this. It’s the beginning of their scheme for world domination. “Gleeck, you moron, I said hit the humans with the domination ray, not the dominatrix ray!”
Aliens Align for Obama
I’ve been closely following the campaign in all the blogs and news sources when it finally hit me: there’s been a significant rise in the number of UFO sightings reported recently!! We all know what this means! Yet another faction, yet another source of undue influence over our political system. I’ve had it. Between all the PAC money and special interests, do we really want aliens in the mix? I wrote to Senator Obama with my concerns. He completely assured me that he is immune from all forms of external influence, including alien mind control which has in the past been known to influence other politicians (including Alaska Senator Ted Stevens). The picture at left was sent by the Obama camp along with his reply letter. It *is* exciting to know the aliens love Obama as much as the Europeans do.
So then I felt better — until this! An excessively well-educated ex-astronaut from NASA has come forward with his shocking belief that we are not alone. This is no country bumpkin, this is a smart guy. He walked on the moon for nine 
hours. I’m thinkin he knows what he’s talking about. In fact I read somewhere recently that children in the US are more likely to recognize alien forms than bees when shown pictures. Why is our culture so heavily steeped in alien lore? Is our collective unconscious conspiring to prepare us as a species for universal politics? We can’t even handle the United Nations! We’re not ready! Start making your tinfoil hats, people. If Obama can hold out, so can we!
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