Why McCain is Funny as Hell
USA Today recently reported that the number one import to Iran from the US is cigarettes. John McCain’s response? Well, that’s one way to kill ‘em!! Whooo boy, that guy does take lessons from homedog George Bush and even, some might argue, from Slick Willie. If ya wants ta get elected, sound like yer just a reguler old guy! Don’t sound all smart and sassy like you a Hahvad lawyer, just talk to ‘em like yer one of ‘em! I like McCain. I wouldn’t vote for him in a thousand years, but he’d be a cool grandpa!
And this here is some dang funny stuff — Hypnobama!! Because lord knows I get misty and forget how to say “Politician” every time I listen to the guy!
Funny Wiener Email Redux!
Amazing how quickly my bulk mail fills with these beauties! Lord knows, we’re all searching for perfection. For women it’s those few pounds around the hips. For men it appears to be wiener improvement. Which is about as easy to attain as losing those last few pounds. Read on for the key to immeasurable happiness!
Scott McClellan Can’t Hold a Candle to Some of My Bosses
Oh, Scott. You poor guy. You’ve poured your heart and soul (if you have one) into your book bemoaning your very high-paying, high-profile job that you performed without a squeak of protest for a bad, bad boss. It seems you’ve taken advantage of low poll numbers to make some coin. Fact is, you were part of the problem, weren’t you? You were part of the administration the got us into a PRE-EMPTIVE war in Iraq. You remained silent, and now you want to point out just how bad all ‘those’ people were? Well, I have news for you! You think George W. Bush was a bad boss? P-chah! You never had to work with DONUT BOY!! Or the 300-pound wiccan princess we called THE SNAVE!! These people were truly frightening!
Let’s start with Donut Boy, shall we? Did he pay well? Did he respect other people? Did he swallow his massive, bulging mouthful of donut before talking? Hmmm. No, no, and no. Did he make sexually explicit comments when he was in your office and no one could hear? WHILE EATING DONUTS?! Hmmm. I bet George did not. And to make matters worse, Donut Boy was arrogant and stinking rich. Because he’d been one of the founders of a very successful company and they’d paid him a lot of stock to leave. [Note the attractive man eating a donut in this photo does not resemble the real donut boy in any way. I've spared you!]
And Scott, you cannot imagine the joy and pleasure of working for the Snave. Snave was excessively concerned about commas and their proper usage. Snave was a large woman, which in itself is not a problem at all, but she was a large woman who groaned loudly, grew her armpit hair, and passed gas. In my cubicle. IN MY CUBICLE PEOPLE, AS IN — NO WHERE TO RUN! Did George Bush ever do this? Now that I think of it, maybe he did! But let’s get back to Snave… She had a boyfriend, a wiccan boyfriend who wore a wiccan cape, weighed at least 200 pounds less than her, and in all ways resembled the hobbit Pippin. Including the bare feet. Little furry bare feet padding down the industrial-carpeted hallway, hood up, searching for the giantess that was his woman. The worst part? I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF FROM IMAGINING THEM IN BED! Ew.
I’m no fan of George Bush, but Scott? Do you really think he was worth a book deal? I’ve got you beat by a mile!
[You know you're dying to tell us about your worst boss... Put it in the comments!]
Let’s Talk Burkhas…
First, the disclaimer: I know nothing about Islam. I am an adherent to no religion, and, like many, mostly see the institution of religion as a root cause for wars, pettiness, and general disagreement. That said, I’d like to advocate the burkha as an alternative to the baseball cap and sunglasses that most of us don on those “oh god, I have to go out in public” days. You know the ones, no shower, or you showered but somehow never brushed your hair because you were emailing and forgot to watch the clock right up until you had five minutes before your preschooler’s gymnastics class.
Or the blotchy days. You girls out there with olive skin have no idea what hell the blotchy days can be. That time of the month plus salty food the night before, or even a glass of wine, and the next day you’ll be looking like a boxer who lost the match.
So why no baseball cap? For starters, it leaves the chin exposed. And it’s so Madonna. I need full coverage, people, FULL COVERAGE! While no words can express how opposed I am to the laws requiring the wearing of a burkha, I’m thinking it has its place.
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