Honesty? Integrity? Nah, Just Wealth!
When it’s a question of how many millions a candidate is worth, I’m already wondering why the average American doesn’t just revolt right now. Democracy in a republic means we are represented by people like us, right? Sort of like a jury of one’s peers? Only in our country, it’s a guarantee since the times of the Founding Fathers that anyone with any hope of being elected must be wealthy. Let’s examine this more closely, shall we? This here calls for a TOP TEN LIST!
Top Ten Reasons Why Presidential Candidates Must Be Rich:
10
Need a lot of houses when ruling a large country (hotels can get expensive!)
9
Need to know a lot of lawyers and stockbrokers to handle lobbyists (must be able to “talk the talk,” eg, yeah baby, I can get you the contract but I’ll need a couple hundred thou donated to my campaign, sabby?)
8
Golf
7
Must be healthy, tall, fit, and possess endurance and stamina, therefore, must work out, preferably with personal trainer. No big beer belly, no big desk butt.
6
Can’t wear tacky clothes or shop at Ross. When lacking fitness, must be able to afford expensive suits to hide fat. (like Karl Rove) $500 loafers only, please.
5
Must be well educated. Can’t say “ain’t true, bruddah” or “ax me WTF.” Can’t throw down a big f-bomb when frustrated. Must say, “I take exception to your comment.” Can’t tell lowbrow jokes at state dinners, eg, “Your momma’s so fat she done fell down and broke her leg and GRAVY poured out!”
4
Must be able to afford dry cleaning. No dog hair or, uh, bodily fluids on clothes. (If Monica Lewinksy wasn’t so poor, we would never have known…)
3
Must be able to afford ghost writer for self-aggrandizing memoir.
2
Can’t have a real job, else no time to speechify and glory in the extreme self-love required of all candidates.
1
Must be able to afford nanny (no butt wiping in the White House!), driver (no Prius in the White House!), personal trainer (no chub, asthma, weak muscles in the White House!), cook (no bean-soaking, chicken de-skinning, potato mashing in the White House!), housecleaning army (no vacuuming, dusting, doing dishes, or mildew scouring in the White House!), and speechwriters (no inarticulate bumpkins or jackasses in the White House! Unless your GW, in which case we all scratch our heads and wonder how the heck anyone let that happen…). Oh yeah, and therapist (no crying, anxiety, nightmares, or irrational demands for protection from aliens while in the White House!)
Median income for the average American: about $48,000.
McCain’s income: $405,000.
Obama’s income: $4.2 million, with about $261,000 from salaries and the rest from book royalties.
Average American Family’s net worth $93,000.
Obama Family’s net worth $1 to 3 million.
McCain Family’s net worth $25 to 38 million.
Ralph Nader’s net worth $4 million.
Wow. Dudes. Even Nader.
Gavin Newsom and Gay Marriage
I can’t discuss marriage without hearing the voice of the bishop from Princess Bride saying, “…MAWAGE.” In this case, the case of the Supreme Court of California in essence validating gay marriage, I think any bishop would’ve flopped over dead! But there are two important thoughts about this verdict that I can’t separate. One is “Yay! There is some sanity in the world!” and the second is “OMG Gavin Newsom is so hot.” Even though the latter is an involuntary thought. Even though the latter actually has nothing to do with the former.
Or does it?!?!
Gavin Newsom has the suave, well-coiffed looks of a gay man, but he’s actually something of a womanizing playah. (Or used to be if you believe the tabloid press.) He’s clean-cut to a T, dresses impeccably if you can get over the no-tie thing, tall, handsome, male-model looks. To all appearances the man’s gay. Does this explain his gay friendly policies? Not at all. But he is hot. See my problem?
On a more serious note, I am very glad that many of my friends and some of my family can feel like their relationships are just as true and valid as taxes, divorce court, and health benefits imply. It’s about time. Now if we could just elect our first half-black president I’d really celebrate!
Post-Pope: He Came, He Went, He Didn’t Mention Condoms
Like most areligious people, I find the institution of the pope both fascinating and somehow repulsive. That freaky thing: if one dies they just create a new one. Like vampires or something. The actual pope, His Popeness, is generally a nice guy (at least in recent history, not so for some of those medieval guys!).
But the institution of the pope is steeped in overtly history-shaping doctrine that, in my humble opinion, has lead directly to planetary overpopulation. NOT a good thing. Here we are, reaching out from the 21st century, only to find that we’ve polluted the planet, we’re still fighting god-knows how many wars, and now food shortages and possibly, reaching peak oil. All directly relate to overpopulation and/or scarcity of resources.
There are some aspects of the Catholic faith which my Catholic friends have taken great advantage of, namely, you can sin and then — poof! — you can also be forgiven! Yay! Catholics know how to party. And apparently, also know how to have a lot of sex. Thus, there are many many Catholics, especially in third world countries. More every day. No problem, except for the destitute underfed children searching in dumps for dinner scraps. The pope still refuses to acknowledge that disallowing birth control is bad for his followers. Has he never seen those poor little kids in Mexico City? Or those ragged-clothed twenty-seven year old women in Guatemala with six children? Ugh. I think his pope hat’s too heavy. It’s pressing down on the reasoning portion of his brain.
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