I Dream of a Comment God

idiotIf I Could Write the Code… I’d create a comment-sorting algorithm. The idea is to send the most useful comments to the top so that I don’t have to search so hard to find the sharpest responses in the proverbial haystack. The closest thing we have now is the reader’s choice buttons for ‘recommend’ or ‘don’t recommend’. Usually this doesn’t change the order of the comments, just flags them. I want the juicy, witty, clever, insightful comments to float to the top. Here’s my suggested weighting of comment characteristics:

Forcing Us to Listen Demerit
-15 points: Uses more than one exclamation point attempting to emphasize!! what logic and reasoning can’t sustain. Occasionally overlooked when the exclamation points are contained in a response and to an ignorant poster and are justified subtext for “I’m sorry but you are a blatant dumbass!”

A for Effort Credit
+25 points: Cites legitimate sources; does not include Fox News, Glenn Beck’s show, Rush Limbaugh’s show, blogs with a readership as small as mine, etc.

Times Have Changed Demerit
-10 points: Begins an argument with “when I was a kid…”

Humility Indication Credit
+10 points: Begins an argument with “I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but…” or any IMHO variant.

Cogent Response Credit
+20 points: Begins comment with “I agree.” or “I disagree.”

Anger Demerit
-25 points: Writes in ALL CAPS forcing me to place hands over my ears

Making It Personal Demerit
-15 points: Lectures the author using their first name. Newsflash–I already have a Mom.

Bicker-stopping Smackdown Credit
+50 If you can come up with that rare witty retort, that gem of an inside joke, that sweet vengeance plus humor argument-ender, you win the thread. :)

I love blogs and citizen reporters. The unwashed masses who come out to comment? Not so much. You? You’re great!

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December 16, 2009 | Filed Under Perfect World 

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