Evidence of Civilization Found on Mars
The NASA craft Phoenix landed on the surface of Mars yesterday and immediately sent back photos of the alien surface covered in Martian dirt. The probe took soil samples back to the onboard mass spectrometer where it was promptly discovered that the soil was composed entirely of discarded styrofoam packing peanuts.
Scientists were mystified at first. Chief Planetary Exploratory Engineer Dave C. Wood explained, “We had no idea why there were so many styrofoam peanuts.” It was two hours later when the probe unearthed a massive stack of unopened Christmas cards. “We realized then that there had indeed been a civilization on Mars. They were addicted to shipping Christmas presents. We believe it was the reason the whole civilization imploded beneath the weight of the peanuts.”
Scientists will continue to delve into this ongoing puzzle, but for now, world leaders of 112 nations are proposing a ban on holiday shipping worldwide. The head of the United Nations, Mr. Ban De Knuts, urged moderation from world citizens in the light of this new discovery. “All this time we have been thinking we need to curb our weapons of mass destruction. Now we find it is our shipping habits!”
Could we truly be the descendants of addictive shoppers and shippers? Further exploration will surely tell!
The Lowdown on Babies
My girlfriend just had a baby. She’s in that phase no one talks about where you feel like a cavewoman and have no illusions about the true reason we have boobs. (Hint: It’s not so Victoria can wear her secret pushup bras with stillettos!) Guys, if you’ve never had a baby, and I’m thinking you haven’t, imagine two straight weeks with the flu and no sleep. The way you’d be completely reduced to your base self, hollowed out like a cantaloupe after a Sunday brunch. The way you’d be covered in stubble and unwashed to the point where you can smell your own skin. Imagine the hunger, THE DRIVING NEED for a shower, solid sleep, and solid food. Now imagine there’s a little beastie clinging to you who demands your CONSTANT ATTENTION and you may begin to grasp what it feels like to be the mom of a two week old baby.
Then imagine your mother in law is coming to stay and you’ll be spending a frightening number of hours alone with her while tending the beastie!
Okay, so I exaggerate, but only a little. Those first few weeks are tough. But dammit, someone’s got to do it and do it well. Hang in there girlfriend! When everyone comes to coo and ah over the baby, to claim it as their own in any way they can, you’ll know something they don’t. Like two soldiers who made it through Da Nang back in Nam, that baby is yours forever. You’ve been through hell together and that’s a bond that sticks. (Don’t ever tell the baby they caused the hell — it’ll ruin the story!)
Gavin Newsom and Gay Marriage
I can’t discuss marriage without hearing the voice of the bishop from Princess Bride saying, “…MAWAGE.” In this case, the case of the Supreme Court of California in essence validating gay marriage, I think any bishop would’ve flopped over dead! But there are two important thoughts about this verdict that I can’t separate. One is “Yay! There is some sanity in the world!” and the second is “OMG Gavin Newsom is so hot.” Even though the latter is an involuntary thought. Even though the latter actually has nothing to do with the former.
Or does it?!?!
Gavin Newsom has the suave, well-coiffed looks of a gay man, but he’s actually something of a womanizing playah. (Or used to be if you believe the tabloid press.) He’s clean-cut to a T, dresses impeccably if you can get over the no-tie thing, tall, handsome, male-model looks. To all appearances the man’s gay. Does this explain his gay friendly policies? Not at all. But he is hot. See my problem?
On a more serious note, I am very glad that many of my friends and some of my family can feel like their relationships are just as true and valid as taxes, divorce court, and health benefits imply. It’s about time. Now if we could just elect our first half-black president I’d really celebrate!
How’s that Deficit?
This game, called Budget Hero, has got to be the closest thing to ever feeling like you have an impact on how government spends the HELLACIOUS amounts of money in their coffers (notice I said “theirs,” not “ours,” or “mine”…). This wee game was developed by American Public Media. They own a bunch of public radio stations. In the game, you control government spending, taxation, and debt. You can increase spending on programs you think are underfunded or cut programs that you think are bloated.
I found out a few things about myself while playing. Numero uno: I am a slash and burn budget cutter. Now I thought I’d want to give a lot more bon bons to the poor, but when it came right down to it, I was a cheap bastard. I hate debt. There ought to be a political party for that! And the options for cutting spending were so few. I’m a bit of a socialist and a libertarian combined. I’d love to see a maximum cap on wealth allowed per individual. I’d love to see all poor children covered by health insurance. Their parents? Hmmm, not so much. Dang, I’m harsh.
Play it and find out where your loyalties lie!
The Failure of Our Democracy
Whee! A little lite reading for today!
With the elections approaching and the pressure mounting to select a Democratic nominee to stand against McCain, I’ve been considering our democracy, it’s processes, and it’s flaws. I won’t even start with the whole Electoral College bit, but will instead move straight into a little discussed aspect of our system: proportional representation. If you ask the average Joe on the street, they think we have it. We don’t.
I was all set to do the math and build a chart based on the number of seats each state currently holds in the House of Representatives proportionally compared to each state’s population when I stumbled on this gloriously complete version in Wikipedia.
If you live in Wyoming, you share one representative with 522,000 of your friendliest neighbors. If you live in Arizona, you share with 792,000 others. That’s just for the reps. Senate-wise, if you live in Wyoming you share one senator with roughly 250,000 cowboys. If you live in California, you share Feinstein with 18,276,000 people. That’s EIGHTEEN MILLION two hundred seventy six thousand people. Hmmm. I bet that’s not quite what the framers had in mind.
But we haven’t even gotten to the actual discussion of proportional representation. We live in a winner-take-all democracy. In other countries, they enjoy the penultimate form of democracy: proportional representation, aka coalition government. In the US, we sell to the highest bidder. The loser is not represented at all. Here’s a quote from an article in the Boston Review:
Polls show most Americans would like to see a third party electing candidates at every level of government, but only three of our nearly eight thousand state and congressional legislators were elected on a minor party ticket–all of them in Burlington, Vermont.
Buncha hippies! Those Vermont people are crazy! Yeah, crazy cool. I want to see a share of Green Party seats. And Libertarians. Yeah! More Libertarians!
Chaser:
courtesy of http://commonsenselogic.blogspot.com/
Let’s Talk Burkhas…
First, the disclaimer: I know nothing about Islam. I am an adherent to no religion, and, like many, mostly see the institution of religion as a root cause for wars, pettiness, and general disagreement. That said, I’d like to advocate the burkha as an alternative to the baseball cap and sunglasses that most of us don on those “oh god, I have to go out in public” days. You know the ones, no shower, or you showered but somehow never brushed your hair because you were emailing and forgot to watch the clock right up until you had five minutes before your preschooler’s gymnastics class.
Or the blotchy days. You girls out there with olive skin have no idea what hell the blotchy days can be. That time of the month plus salty food the night before, or even a glass of wine, and the next day you’ll be looking like a boxer who lost the match.
So why no baseball cap? For starters, it leaves the chin exposed. And it’s so Madonna. I need full coverage, people, FULL COVERAGE! While no words can express how opposed I am to the laws requiring the wearing of a burkha, I’m thinking it has its place.
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